I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
