I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Verdict: uncircumcised.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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