just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
