Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
