he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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