i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
