She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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