took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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