I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
