Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
