i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
