she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
