Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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