can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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