first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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