I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
