My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
