My room smells like vodka and shame
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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