Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
