So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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