i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
