I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
