Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
