i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
