Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
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