Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
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you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
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I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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