I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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