Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
