I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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