hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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