i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
