I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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