Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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