Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Randomize
