A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
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