I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
my shit smells like andre
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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