Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
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No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
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he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
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