the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
These People Are So Awkward You’ll Get Embarrassed
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
These People Encountered Celebrities in Bizarrely Normal Places
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?