Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Someone came in the potted fern
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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