i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
