He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
