my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
