I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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