I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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