Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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