the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
