i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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