it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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