Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
