As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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