I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
