Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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