Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
