If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
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Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
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I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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