What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
