Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints