I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
