i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
