I faked an abortion last night.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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