Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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