Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
