I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
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