I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
